Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress. So she went out shopping and in the clothing store she asked the assistant, ‘May I try on that dress in the window, please?’
‘Certainly not, madam,’ responded the salesgirl, ‘You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.’
Funny Religious Jokes from Christmas Crackers
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson because he brought the house down.
Advent sermon: ‘What is hell?’
Come early and listen to our carol practice.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. (School boy howler)
Something really cheap
On Christmas Eve, Mr. John Smith thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift for the next day. Always short of money, he thought long and hard about what that present might be’
Unable to decide, our hero entered Debenhams and in the cosmetics section he asked the girl, ‘How about some perfume?’ She showed him a bottle costing £80. [$107 USD]
‘Too expensive,’ muttered Mr. Smith.
The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £50. ‘Oh dear,’ John groused, ‘still far too much.’
Growing rather annoyed at Smith’s meanness, the sales girl brought out a tiny £10 bottle and offered it to him.
John became really agitated, ‘What I mean’, he whined, ‘is I’d like to see something really cheap.’
So the sales girl handed him a mirror.
A Thoughtful Christmas Gift
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Christmas.
‘Yes,’ came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, ‘I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.’
‘That was very kind of you,’ Jim added, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.’
Tony smiled as he replied, ‘So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’
Funny Christmas Story about a Turkey
Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, ‘Richard doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.’
‘Now, now,’ her mother comforted, ‘I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.’
‘No, mother, you don’t understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.’
‘Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,’ says her mum. ‘Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.’
‘No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey. It was the aeroplane ticket.’ “Aeroplane ticket…” What did you need an airplane ticket for?’
‘Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: “Prepare from a frozen state,” so I flew to Alaska.’
An Amusing and True Christmas Funny Story
A seven-year-old boy was stopped by police in northern Germany while trying to plough snow with a front loader he borrowed from his parents’ business, authorities have told Will and Guy. Officers on patrol found the boy atop the 3.5-meter-tall [11.5-foot-tall] excavator after he had cleared the street in the town of Reinfeld and was driving back to the parking lot. The child noticed the police car behind him and stopped immediately.
‘He opened the door, got out and admitted immediately that he did not have a driving licence,’ the police report said. When asked why he had begun ploughing, he said his father had complained about the state of the roads. He saw the key in the ignition of the vehicle and set off.
Police retrieved the key to the loader from the child and returned it, and the boy, to his mother.
The Tale of the Traditional Christmas Pudding
Martha decided to move with the times and try the delights of microwave cooking. Whereupon, her devoted husband Archie went out and bought her a brand new top-of-the range Sharp Microwave oven.
Christmas approached and Martha got out her Christmas pudding recipe and assembled the ingredients. She proceeded along traditional lines and even got the each member of the family to stir the mixture ‘for luck’. When Martha consulted the microwave’s manual for the cooking time, she could not believe that ten minutes would be enough for a traditional Christmas pudding. Consequently she decided to substitute her normal cooking time of 50 minutes. As Martha was in the lounge watching her favourite T.V. programme she did not see the pudding spitting in the microwave oven, nor did she hear the mini-explosions. When she finally extracted the pudding from the microwave after nearly an hour of cooking on ‘High’, it smelt of burnt sugar and looked like a ball of tar. Naturally, the Christmas pudding was a disaster, so much so, that Martha could not even prod it with a fork. In fact the black ball stuck to the bottom of the bowl and Archie had to get a screwdriver to prize it from its base.
In a fit of pique, Martha threw the shrivelled Christmas pudding to Togo her St Bernard puppy. After a few days she could see the funny side, and Togo loved his new indestructible toy, which amused him until the next Christmas.
Santa Visits a Bar
Santa Banta goes into a bar in New York.
The man on his right orders a drink, ‘Johnnie Walker, single.’
The man on his left says, ‘Jack Daniels, single.’
Santa says. ‘Santa Singh, married.’
Before the Christmas Holiday
‘Today we’ll relax a little and play a spelling game before we break up for the Christmas holidays,’ says Mrs Anand, the primary schoolteacher. Each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Jack, you can go first.’
Jack stands up and says, ‘My name’s Jack. My father is a builder, b-u-i-l-d-e-r, and he helps to put up homes.’ Funny Christmas Snow Women
Mrs Anand says, ‘Very good. All right, Dominic, your turn.’
Dominic stands says, ‘My name’s Dominic. My father’s a pharmacist, f-a-m… f-a-r-n… f-n…’
The teacher, Mrs Anand, says, ‘Dominic, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Bobby.’
Bobby stands up and says, ‘My name’s Bobby. My old man is a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he’d give you five to two odds Dominic won’t spell pharmacist by tomorrow.’
Kissing under the mistletoe
Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section. ‘How much is this gold tinsel garland’.
The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, ‘This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre’.
‘Wow, that’s great’, said Jennifer, ‘I’ll take 12 metres’.
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.
She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, ‘My Grandpa will settle the bill.’
Growing too old
Grandpa decided that shopping for Christmas presents had become too difficult. All his grandchildren had everything they needed, so he decided to send them each a cheque (check).
On each card he wrote: ‘Happy Christmas Grandpa’ P.S. ‘Buy your own present!’
Conclusion: Now, while Grandpa enjoyed the family festivities, he thought that his grandchildren were just slightly distant. It preyed on his mind into the New Year. Then one day he was sorting out his study and under a pile of magazines, he found a little pile of cheques (checks) for his grandchildren. He had completely forgotten to put them in with the Christmas cards.
Best Christmas Story
It was the day after Christmas at St Peter and St Paul’s church in Borden, Kent, England. Father John, the vicar, was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.
Immediately, Father John’s thoughts turned to calling in the local policeman but as he was about to do so, he saw little Nathan with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
Father John approached Nathan and asked him, ‘Well, Nathan, where did you get the little infant?’
Nathan looked up, smiled and replied, ‘I took him from the church.’
‘And why did you take him?’
With a sheepish grin, Nathan said, ‘Well, Father John, about a week before Christmas I prayed to Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.’
10 Reasons Why a Woman would like to Be Santa Claus
There’d be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.
Buy one big brown belt and you’d be accessorized for life.
You’d always work in sensible footwear.
You’d never be expected to make the coffee.
There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.
Juggling work and family would be easy. All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
You’d never take the wrong coat on your way home.
You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.
No one would ask to see your job description.
The Christmas Hold-up Tale
It was Christmas Eve; the department store manager was in his office just paying off Father Christmas. All of a sudden a teenager and ordered the manager to hand-over the not inconsiderable takings.
The manager was wondering what to do, so the teenager attempted to fire his gun in order to make the manager’s mind, and open the till and hand over the money. Although the robber pulled the trigger, nothing happened, so unbelievably, he peered down the barrel and then fired again.
This time it worked.
This is Guy’s favourite tale to tell at grown-up parties. You can tell it as it is, or else you could improvise and improve the yarn depending on the nationalities present at your Christmas gathering.
‘Waiter – There’s a Fly in My Champagne’
A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.
The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.Funniest Christmas Jokes
The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, ‘Now spit out all that you swallowed.’
The Bible was written centuries ago by the Apostles. But what if it was written by college students? Most likely it would be a lot different. Here’s what it might look like if College Students Wrote the Bible:
The ‘Blood of Christ’ would be switched from red wine to beer in a keg.
The Last Supper would have cold leftovers for the next morning.
The Ten Commandments would be only five, double-spaced, and written in large font.
A New edition would be written every two years in order to limit reselling.
The Forbidden Fruit would have been eaten not because it was forbidden but because it wasn’t dorm food.
Paul’s Letter to the Romans would be Paul’s E-Mail addressed to firstname.lastname@example.org
The reason Cain killed Abel would be because they were roommates.
The place where the end of the world occurs would be Finals, not Armageddon.
Instead of mules, the preferred mode of transportation would be mountain bikes.
The reason why Moses and his followers walked in the desert for 40 years would be because they didn’t want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.
The Tower of Babel would be blamed for the Foreign Language requirement.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.
The Meaning of ’12 Days of Christmas’
The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.
The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit: Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.
The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles’ Creed.
A Nice Bus Driver
Two days before Christmas Jimmy set-off in his minibus to collect a batch of open prison inmates. His mission, as usual, was to take them for their radiation treatment at a nearby hospital. Since it was Christmas, one of the 12 offered to buy Jimmy a drink. So they stopped off at the Rose and Crown pub, and all had a nice drink. On the way out Jimmy detoured to the gents, when he came out of the loo, all the prisoners had disappeared. He looked in all the pub’s bars, drove around for half an hour, no sign of the inmates. They had all made their escape. What could Jimmy do? Thinking quickly, he braked at a particularly long bus queue, and told the waiting people that he was a relief bus. Where-upon he picked up the first 12 and drove them to the open prison. He then radioed ahead to the warders giving a ‘Code Yellow’ message. This was a pre-arranged signal that some of the prisoners were playing up. Jimmy unloaded his passengers, he then beat a hasty retreat. Amazingly, his trickery wasn’t discovered until the New Year.