Great English Jokes
Great English Jokes

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.
Marilyn Monroe (Good English jokes)

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Friedrich Nietzsche (Good English jokes)

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.
Criss Jami (Good English jokes)

The English love a good laugh. They are known to be sarcastic and to laugh at themselves – why not? Laughter and very funny jokes in English are the best medicine, after all! It can be tricky to get the English humour at first because it concerns a lot of silliness and sarcasm, but we’ve got you sorted. We’ve compiled the top ten English jokes, so if you are in the UK you won’t feel lost or you might even crack a joke one day.

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup!”
“Please don’t speak so loudly, sir,” said the waiter, “or everyone will want one.”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

The Smiths were proud of their American family tradition. Their ancestors had arrived in America on the Mayflower. Their family included senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle great-uncle George, who had been executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. When the book appeared, it said, “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

More problems for Bill and Joe
Bill and Joe are driving their truck one day on a road in the country, when they come to another warning sign. It’s another bridge, but this time it’s a bridge over the road. The sign says. “Warning. Low Bridge ! Maximum height 4.2 metres! “
“Oh no!” says Bill. “Height limit four point two metres ! And our lorry’s four point four metres high. We’re twenty centimetres too high.”
“Oh that’s not a problem,” answers Joe. “We can let the air out of the tyres, then we’ll be 25 centimetres lower ! We can blow them up again at the other side of the bridge !”
“Don’t be an idiot, Joe, ” Bill replies. “That won’t help ! The tyres are at the bottom of the lorry; and it’s at top that we’re too high for the bridge !”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.
He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.
“What do you think you’re laughing at,” he cried, “you’re next.”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!”

Amusing English jokes
Amusing Good English jokes

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamt you gave me a beautiful pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she ripped off the wrapping paper – to find a book entitled: The Meaning of Dreams.

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.’
And the Scotsman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again.

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

Problem at the airport
Mr and Mrs Smith were going on holiday to Spain. As usual there was lots of traffic on the highway, and they only just got to the airport on time. They parked the car, got out their suitcases, and took the bus to the terminal. At last they reached the check-in desk.
As they got there, Mr. Smith turned to his wife and said. “I wish I’d brought the piano with us !”
“The piano ?!??” she replied. “Are you stupid? We can’t take the piano on the plane.”
“No, I know. But I’ve just remembered that I left the tickets on the piano…”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

In a shop a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter. The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the shop, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg. So the boy went inside to the manager’s room and said “An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter”. To his surprise, the customer was standing behind him. So the boy added immediately, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!!”
After the customer left, the manager said “You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?” To this the boy said, “I come from Mexico. The place consists of only pro*titutes and football players!!!!!”
The manager replied coldly, “My wife is also from Mexico “.
To this the boy asked excitedly, “Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called”Tickets, please!” and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots’ ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen’s stall and called “Ticket, Please!” When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful,” says the mother, “What part is it?” The boy says “I play the part of the Scottish husband!” The mother scowls and says: “Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

This is from an actual trial in the UK: A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing…. ……… ……She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant.. She sat under an advertisement, which read: ‘Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins’.
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: ‘William’s Stick did the trick’.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: ‘Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.’ The case was dismissed………! !!!!!!!

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes’ wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. “What d’ya want me to do, Doctor?” “Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!” the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
“Mike, you’re the proud father of a fine strapping boy.” “Saints be praised, I…” Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, “Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike.” Soon the doctor delivers the next child. “You’ve a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter.”
“Thanks be to…”
Again the Doctor cuts in, “Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!” Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike’s inspection.
“Doctor,” asks Mike, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attracting them?”

British humour and jokes
British humour and jokes

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?” He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An, ID ten T error? What’s that .. in case I need to fix it again?”
Harold grinned, “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?” “No,” I replied.
“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.” So I wrote out ……. I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’ Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

School humour….
Jane, a new teacher, went on a psychology course.
At the beginning of her next class, she said. “Hello children, I hope you are all very clever ! Are you?”
A few children said “Yes!”, but most of the class said nothing.
So Jane asked a different question. “Are any of us in this room stupid? If so, stand up !”
For a few seconds no childen moved, but then Freddie stood up.
“Ah Freddie, so you think you’re stupid do you?”
“No Miss, not really,” answered Freddie; “But you shouldn’t be the only person standing up !”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said
“In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!”
The Scotsman replied ” Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, “The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free”. Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,”..yeah. That’s quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free.” Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says “Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag”
The English says “WOW! Did that happen to you?” and the Irishman replies “No, but it happened to my sister.”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

Well would neither be a tragedy and nor a great loss…
President Bill Clinton is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes (4th grade). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, “tragedy.” So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a “tragedy.”
One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” says Clinton, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains Mr. President. “That’s what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic,” exclaims Clinton, “that’s right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss.”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,” may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.” The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: ” no thanks, I’ll just wait till the Police get here!”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?” Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven. “Great!” said the couple “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?” St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “OH, COME ON!!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer???

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

Bill and Joe – a funny story
Bill and Joe are two long-distance truck-drivers. One day they are driving their 44-tonne truck on a small road in Europe, when they come to a bridge.
“Oh look! ” says Bill. “Look at the sign ! It says Maximum weight 20 Tonnes.”
“Oh !” says Joe. Then he says; “Wait a minute, I’ll get out and have a look!”
A minute later Joe comes back to the truck, and says ; “OK Bill, no problem! I’ve had a look. Let’s go ! There are no police on the other side. “

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

Another joke with Bill and Joe…
Bill and Joe are on holiday beside a beautiful lake. On Monday morning, they decide to go fishing, so they go down to the harbour and hire a boat. It’s a beautiful day, and they catch lots of fish.
“This is a good spot!” says Bill. ” We must come back here again tomorrow!”
“Yes, excellent idea ! ” replies Joe. “We must come back to exactly the same spot !”
“And how will we find exactly the same spot again ?” asks Bill.
“That’s easy ! I’ve marked a big X on the side of the boat,” answers Joe.
“Hey, stupid ! That’s no good !” says Bill ! “We might not get the same boat tomorrow!”

Funny and amusing jokes
Funny and amusing jokes

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: “woman without her man is nothing”. The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’
The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?’ he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’ ‘Yes, I remember!’ said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?’
‘I remember that too’ she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… ‘I would have been released today.’

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
“Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.”
The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach ‘Thou shall not steal,’ that changed your heart?”
The man responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a Indian. He immediately turns to the Indian and makes his move.
“You know,” says the American to the Indian, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”
The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and says to the American guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy, smiling. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the Indian. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff — grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The American guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the Indian, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

Marriage problems
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love…I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.” The American said, “Talking about love Marriages…I’ll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.”After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father’s son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems..Gimme a break!!”
Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, “What are you doing?” “There,” said the wife, “didn’t I tell you he was stupid?”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

A little boy came home from school one day and said to his father, “Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow. ” The father thought some and said, “OK son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let’s say that I’m capitalism because I’m the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any? ” The little boy said, “Well, Dad, I don’t know, but I’ll think about what you said. “
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was woken up by his brother’s crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent’s bedroom and found his father’s side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn’t wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn’t do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, “Dad, I think I understand politics much better now. ” “Excellent, my boy,” he answered, “What have you learned? ” The little boy thought for a minute and said, “I learned that while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep to the pleas of the people, leaving the future in a pile of shit.”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.”
“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: “my friend is dead! What can i do?” The operator says: “calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “Ok, now what?”

English sense of humour
English sense of humour

” Smith meets his old friend Brown and tells him he has decided to get married:
” Who is the girl ?”
” Jane Huggins of Camberley “
” Are you mad ? ” asks Brown astonished.
” Do you know her ?”
” I do know of her. And so does everybody else in the district. She has been in bed with half of Camberley.” Six months later they meet again and Smith tells his friend that he is married.
” Who is your wife ?”
” Jane Huggins of Camberley.”
” But how could you ?” exclaims Brown.
“Didn’t I tell you that every other man at Camberley had been in bed with her ?”
” Yes ” says Smith, ” but afterwards I went to Camberley and – well, it’s quite a small place.”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed. “But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, “Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

A newly married husband saved his wife’s mobile number on his mobile as “My life” After one year of marriage he changed the number to “My Wife”
After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to “Home” After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to “Hitler”
After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to “Wrong Number”.

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.” Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?” Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.” Man – “OK, how much?” Boy – “$250”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy – “$750” Man – “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy – “$1,000”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again….”

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’ ‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks. ‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’ ‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’ Then he toddles into the Kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. ‘Where’s my toast?’

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’ ‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’ ‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’ ‘Does she have lots of money?’ ‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’ ‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’ ‘I don’ t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’ ‘Because she can still drive!’

∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼∼

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kantibhai Shah.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave. 2000 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to him, ‘I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I’ll give it a try’ Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave. 2000 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to himself ‘I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?’ So he stays.
Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave. 500 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to himself, ‘I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?’ So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo – Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to himself, ‘I do not speak one word of Serbo – Croat but what do I have to lose?’ Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said ‘Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo
– Croat, so I’d now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language. Calmly, Kantibhai turns to the other candidate and says “kem chho” The other candidate answers “ek dam majama”
Bill Gates was amazed to see both potential candidates talking fluently, friendly. He decided to hire both of them.

To make a good healthily laugh you can also visit the following pages!

www.english-culture.com/christmas-crackers-jokes

www.english-culture.com/puns-riddles-and-jokes

www.english-culture.com/christmas-jokes

www.english-culture.com/professional-jokes

www.english-culture.com/funny-and-crazy-notices

For more information Visit  www.daimon.org/hum

Funny and crazy notices
Self-words quotes and aphorisms
Good English Jokes ultima modifica: 2020-12-22T19:51:22+00:00 da Carl William Brown