Puns riddles and jokes. Teachers often use jokes in the ESL/EFL classroom to teach culture, grammar and vocabulary.
Jokes are better than war. Even the most aggressive jokes are better than the least aggressive wars. Even the longest jokes are better than the shortest wars.
A humorist is a writer, like the rest. He may make superficial fun on manners, he may crack jokes on the obvious or again he may be a serious and profound critic of society.
A philosopher with a sense of humour will laugh at a joke instead of performing a post mortem on it; and a philosopher will not be able – however competent he may be otherwise – to teach us a lot about the sense of humour if he himself lacks one.
Q: What are two things people never eat before breakfast?
A: Lunch and supper. Q: Why did the man throw a bucket of water out the window?
A: He wanted to see the waterfall.
Q: Why did the man throw the butter out the window?
A: He wanted to see the butterfly.
Q: Why did the man put the clock in the safe?
A: He wanted to save time.
Q: What has two hands and a face, but no arms and legs?
A: A clock.
Q: What has a neck, but no head?
A: A bottle.
Q: Where is the ocean the deepest?
A: On the bottom.
Q: Why did the man throw his watch out of the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly.
Q: What State in the United States is High in the middle and round at the ends?
Q: “There were some twins. One was twenty, the other was twenty 2. One married the other. How can be this ?”
A: “One was twenty, the other twenty too. One was a priest so he married the other”
PS: These sentences must be asked orally .Pronunciation is important. (too = 2)
Q: How do you spell mousetrap?
Q: How many legs does an ant have?
A: Two, the same as an uncle.
(HINT: ant = aunt)
Q: How many people are buried in that cemetery?
A: All of them.
Q: What can’t be used until it’s broken?
A: An egg.
Q: What do tigers have that no other animals have?
A: Baby tigers.
Q: What is Black and white and read (red) all over?
A: A newspaper
Q: Why is number six afraid ?
A: Because seven eight nine (seven ate nine)
Q: How do you know when a motorcycle policeman is happy?
A: He has bugs on his teeth!
Q: What did zero say to eight?
A: Nice belt.
(The 8 looks like a 0 with a belt around its waist.)
Q: What did number 1 say to 7?
A: Nice hair
Q: Which is the most self-centered letter of the alphabet?
A: “i” (I)
Q: Which letter is always trying to find reasons?
Q: Which letter is not me?
Q: What letter can do the work in one day that you can do in two days?
A: W (Double u- Double you)
Q: Why don’t we need a compass at the North Pole?
A: Because every direction is south.
Q: Why is the A like a flower?
A: Because the B is after it.
Q: Why is the letter “A” like noon?
A: Because it’s in the middle of the day.
Q: “What letter of the alphabet has got lots of water?”
A: “The C”
Q: “What letter of the alphabet is always waiting in order?”
A: “The Q. (queue)
Q: What has two heads, four eyes, six legs and a tail?
A: A horse and its rider.
Q: What is as big as a horse but doesn’t weigh anything?
A: The horse’s shadow.
Q. Why was the hearse horse hoarse?
A. Because of the coffin
Q: Why are man with pierced ears better suited for marriage?
Q: Because they have suffered and bought jewelry.
Q: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?
A: A teapot.
Q: Do you know why birds fly to south in the winter?
A: Because it’s too far to walk there.
Q: Why do birds fly south in the fall?
A: Because it’s too far to walk!
Q: Which letters do Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday have in common?
A: None! None of them have “c”, “o”,”m” or “n” in them.
Q: What are the 3 important rings in life?
A: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering.
Q: Which room has no doors, no windows.
A: A mushroom.
Q: What gets wetter as it dries?
A: A towel
Q: A man rode into town on Tuesday. Two days later he rode home on Tuesday. How is this possible?
A: His horse’s name is Tuesday.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He didn’t have anybody to take. (any BODY)
Q: A father and his son were in a car accident. The father died. The son was taken to the hospital. The doctor came in and said: I can’t do surgery on him, because he’s my son. Who was the doctor?
A: The doctor was his mother.
It’s an old riddle that is more difficult in some countries than in others.
Q: Why did the student take a ladder to school?
A: Because he/she was going to high school!
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Beacuse it saw the salad dressing!
Q: What are the two strongest days of the week?
A: They are Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weak (week) days.
Q: How far can a dog run into the forest?
A: Halfway, after that he is running out of the forest.
Q: What do you call a bear without an “ear”?
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.
A: How many apples can you eat if your stomach is empty?
B: 4 or 5
A: No, that’s wrong, because after eating one apple your stomach isn’t empty.
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
A: To find Pluto.
Q: What is the differnce between the capital of Russia and a calf’s mother?
A: One is Moscow, the other is a cow’s Ma.
(It needs to be spoken to understand it.) Q: What do you call a Spaniard who can’t find his car?
It’s pronounced “carless” (meaning without a car)
Q: What’s the difference between electricity and lightening?
A: You don’t have to pay for lightening. This riddle may be used when teaching a lesson on occupations.
Q: What’s the difference between a TEACHER and a CONDUCTOR ?
A: A teacher TRAINS the MIND and a conductor MINDS the TRAIN.
Q: What part of your body disappears when you stand up?
A: Your lap. (good for phrasal ‘stand up’, and ‘laptop’, lap-dog, etc.)
Q: What do you call a witch at the beach?
A: A sandwich.
Q: Why did the trafic signal turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Q: What’s the difference between a lion with toothache and a wet day?
A: One’s roaring with pain the other’s pouring with rain
Q: Why are baseball stadiums so cool?
A: There is a fan in every seat. My Spanish-speaking students got a kick out of this one.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks 3 languages?
A: (Try to elicit responses..) Tri-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
A: (Many of them know this one) Bi-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks one language?
A: An American!
Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
(Hint: No “eye” = No “i”)
Q: What has thirteen hearts but no body and no soul?
A: A pack of playing cards.
Q: What do you call a fish that only cares about himself?
Q: Why couldn’t Mozart find his teacher?
A: Because the teacher was Hayden.
(Hayden –> Hidin’ –> Hiding)
Q. What’s a minimum?
A. A very small mother!
Q: Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
A: Because it’s two-tired (too tired)
Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate fighter?
A: Pork chops.
Q: What’s got a head and a tail, but no body?
A: A coin.
Q: What’s got a wave but no sea?
A: My hair.
Q: What has three feet but no legs or arms?
A: A yard.
Q: Where does a boxer who weighs 135 kilograms sit on a bus?
A: Wherever he wants to.
Q:What makes “oom” and gives milk?
A:cow walking backwards.
Q: What does a man say when he walks into a bar?
Q: Where does Dracula stay when he goes to New York City?
A: The Vampire State building.
Q: What do cows like to read?
A: The mooooospaper
Q: What is the longest word?
A: Smiles, because there is a mile between the first and last s.
Q: What’s the longest word in the English language?
A: Smiles. (Because there’s a mile between the first and the last letter.)
A: What is the word that everybody always says wrong?
Q: What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
A: What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
B; Rubber-band — because it streches.
Q. How many seconds are there in one year?
A. Twelve. January second, February second, March second…
Q. What two days of the week start with the letter “T”?
A. Tuesday and Thursday? NO, today and tomorrow!
Q: What did the doughnut say to the loaf of bread?
A: If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Q: Why did the pony have a sore throat?
A: Because it was a little horse. (hoarse)
Q: What did the undertaker die of?
A: Coughin’ (coffin)
Q: Why can’t a nose be twelve inches?
A: Because then it would be a foot.
Q: How do porcupines kiss each other?
A: Very carefully.
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Q: What has teeth but can’t bite?
A: A Comb.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.
Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. Because the chicken was on vacation.
Q. Why did the baby cross the road?
A. Because it was stapled to the chicken.
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide!
A: Why did the chewing-gum cross the road?
B: Because it was stuck to the chickens foot.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the possum it could be done.
Q: Why do people call their own language their mother tongue?
A: Because their fathers seldom get a chance to use it.
NOTE: For this to be funny, students need to understand that in many cultures women have the image of speaking so much that their husbands seldom have a chance to say anything.
Q: A big moron and a little moron are walking across a bridge when the big moron falls off. Why didn’t the little moron fall off?
A: He was a little more on.
Q: Name one eight letter word that has kst in the middle, in the beginning, and at the end.
A: “Inkstand”, “in” is at the beginning, “kst” is in the middle, and “and” is at the end.
Q: When does a dialect become a language?
A: When its speakers get an army and a navy.
Q: What is a Honeymoon Salad?
A: Lettuce alone without any dressing.
Q: Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?
A: Because of all the sandwiches (sand which is) there.
Q: Why don’t sharks eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.
Q: What would the pig say when its tailed was held tight by the farmer who had a sharp knife in his other hand?
A: “That’s the end of me!”
Q: Do you know where people send a horse when it is sick?
A: To a horsepital.
Q: What did the doctor say when the invisible man called to make an appointment?
A: Tell him I can’t see him today.
Q: Which ‘BUS’ could cross the ocean?
Q: What a bee says when it gets in the hive?
A: Hi Honey! I’m home!
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut!
A: Why did the boy balloon chase the girl balloon?
Q: Because he wanted to see her bust!
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: fsh (No letter “i”, so no i’s.)
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea. (No eye deer)
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
A: Still no idea.
Q: Where do cows go for entertainment?
A: They go to the mooovies!
Q: What animal is it that has four legs a tail and flies?
A: A dead horse!
A: What is the difference between a mail box and an elephant?
B: I don’t know.
A: I’m not going to give you any letters to post then!
Q: What do you call ‘a fly’ without wings?
A: You call it ‘a walk.’
Q: What’s the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
A: A savings bond eventually matures and earns money.
Q: What color is a guitar string?
(It is the sound the a guitar makes. The word sounds like the color “pink.”)
Q. What goes “ZUB, ZUB”?
A: A bee flying backwards.(Buz,Buz)
(After teaching about telling time)
Teacher: What time is it?
Students: Umm, eight fifty-nine?
Students: About nine o’clock?
Students: What then?
Teacher: It’s time to go home.
Q: What did one light bulb say to another light bulb?
A: You are the light of my life.
Q: Why did the golfer take and extra pair of pants for his Saturday round of golf?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?
A. In case he got a hole in one!
Q: What flowers have two lips?
Q: They travel all over the world but end up in the corner, what are they?
Q: Why didn’t the farmer cry when his dairy cow fell off the cliff?
A: There’s no use crying over split milk.
Q: Ten copycats were sitting in a boat, and one jumped out. How many were left?
A: None. They were all copycats.
Q: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A: A jeweler sells watches. A jailer watches cells.
Q: What is a bachelor?
A: A man who never Mrs. (misses) anyone.
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!
This one may be difficult for some ESL students since it requires knowing the words “seagul”, “bay” and “bagel”
Q: What’s the difference between a trampoline and an English textbook?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.
Q: How do you get ten English teachers to agree on the best teaching method?
A: Shoot nine of them.
Q: Why were the little drops of ink crying?
A: Their mother was in the pen and they did not know how long her sentence would be.
Q: How many sheep does it take to make one wool sweater?
A: I didn’t even know sheep could knit!
Q: What’s a teacher’s favorite nation?
Q: What’s the most colorful state of U.S.A.?
Q: In what state does it cost the most to live in?
Q: What did the cannibal who was late for dinner get?
A: The cold shoulder.
Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Why bother, he won’t come anyway.
Q: How do you top a car?
A: Tep on the brake, tupid!
Q: Is there a word in the English language that uses all the vowels including “y” ?
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Because it’s too far to walk.
Q: What is the longest word in the English language?
A: Smiles. (There is a mile between the first letter and the last letter.)
Q: What is the tallest building in our town?
A: The library. (It has the most stories.)
Q: If you are Russian before you enter the bathroom and Finnish after you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?
A: European. (You’re a-peein’.)
Q: What do you call a test tube that graduates from high school?
A: A graduated cylinder
Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!
Q: How did Jonah feel after he got swallowed by a fish?
A: Down in the mouth.
Q: What did the monk say to the hotdog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
Q: A man was locked in a room with only a bed, a calendar, and a piano. How did he drink, how did he eat, and how did he get out? Another man was locked in a room with only a mirror and a table. How did he get out? A third man was locked in an empty room. How did he escape?
A: The first man drank from the springs of the bed, ate the dates off the calendar and played the piano until he found the right key, which he used to unlock the door. The second man looked in the mirror to see what he saw. Then he took the saw and cut the table in half. Next, he put the two halves together to make a whole. Finally, he crawled out through the hole. The third man broke out with the measles.
Q. What’s brown and sticky?
A. A stick!
From a Project of The Internet TESL Journal
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